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story category Assault on Spam
Software, Hardware, and Government Attacks
(old news - 09:21AM Sunday Nov 23 2003)
tags: fun
Spam accounts for over 50% of all email, costs the U.S. economy an estimated $250 billion each year in lost productivity, and has been targeted by both software and hardware manufacturers. Microsoft leads the way with "Block XP", offering protection above and beyond previous software measures, with mail filtered by "specially trained third-world laborers. These workers, or 'Spam Blockers' as we like to call them, will personally check each and every one of the e-mails you are getting," said Bill Gates, while Steve Ballmer danced around chanting, "Unspamable! Unspamable! Unspamable! Unspamable!".

Not to be outdone, Yahoo has developed their own Spam Sponge. "We use an automated name generator to seek for possible account names that do not yet exist and we create an account in that name. Then automated bots subscribe these fictitious accounts to as many mailing lists as they can find." Yahoo claims to have set up millions of bogus e-mail boxes, just to soak up spam. Bulk e-mailers take issue with the practice. "Kathleen Gipson of Enhance Your Rod, Inc. called the move 'deceptive and harmful. We want our message about member enlargement to get to the people that want it.' "

Hewlett-Packard has developed a combination printer/shredder to ease the heavy corporate burden of employees printing e-mails. "Boy, this is really fantastic, I'm loving it," said a Human Resources Director. "I can now, for example, send my ideas for improving the company's health plan straight to the printer/shredder instead of bothering with getting it turned down by management."

Concerned about losing market share, Spam Assassin, a leader in anti-spam software, has taken the next step with their HomeAssassin product. "All you need is the HomeAssassin software, a webcam, a computer and one of our specially trained Ninja Assassins." A webcam phototgraphs those knocking on your door, and rule-based recognition determines if the visitor is welcome. False positives are reported to be low.

To combat the appearance of industry taking the lead in the anti-spam crusade, the government has begun its own stepped-up anti-spam campaign. Agreeing that a national "do not spam" list will be largely ineffective, the Senate has passed a Kill-A-Spammer initiative, and the House is expected to follow suit. "The FCC has already prepared a "most wanted" deck of cards depicting the 52 worst spammers, to be distributed free to professional bounty hunters or any other interested individual."

Please send this article to everyone on your mailing list.

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Forums » Assault on Spam
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NunyaBidness
God Bless All Of Us
Premium
join:2001-05-25
Memphis, TN

yea yea thats what I need!

send one of those ninja's my way I got some work for him

ROFLMFAO!!
--
Nunya Bidness

Straphanger
Express is Back
Premium,Mod
join:2001-12-08
Jackson Heights, NY
clubs:

Admenment

Why don't we just get a Constitutional admenment banning spam...punishable by torture in a third-world country.

golden eagle
Aquila chrysaetos
Premium
join:2002-08-06
On a cliff
clubs:

lol

Microsoft leads the way with "Block XP", offering protection above and beyond previous software measures, with mail filtered by "specially trained third-world laborers. These workers, or 'Spam Blockers' as we like to call them ..."
This is too funny. Imagine using "third-world laborers" to filter spam that probably originated in that third-world nation to begin with. Who comes up with this stuff?
--
Pain is just fear leaving the body.
yabos

join:2003-02-16
Ingersoll, ON

Re: lol

Good job security.

starstuff
Fly By Wire
Premium
join:2001-12-05
Mcallen, TX

said by golden eagle See Profile:
Who comes up with this stuff?

Yes, this is ridiculous... a bad joke.

robert,

Tomek
Premium
join:2002-01-30
Brooklyn, NY

Lmao

I had some good laughs.
Nice girl.

Omega
Displaced Ohioan
Premium
join:2002-07-30
Cheyenne, WY
clubs:
·Bresnan Online
·Verizon Wireless B..
·Comcast
·AT&T Midwest

Re: Lmao

quote:
"The FCC has already prepared a "most wanted" deck of cards depicting the 52 worst spammers, to be distributed free to professional bounty hunters or any other interested individual."

where can I purchase one of these card decks.
--
"The doctor's X-Rayed my head and found nothing"
shuubz
A Good Kind Of Pain

join:2001-02-12
Dexter, MI

Made in USA

Most spam (90%+) originates in the US.

Unfortunately, our government is firmly in the corporate pocket, so the new anti-spam bill merely sets up guidelines that require opt-out info in spam messages.

It's sad. There was a British parliamentary delegation that came over before this bill passed, and tried to talk Congress into making it "opt-in", not "opt-out". They were told it would never fly.

GRIM STAT OF THE DAY:
If every legitimate business in the US sent users just one legit marketing email per year, it would average out to 867 messages per day for every email user.

--
What is left for the meek is not worth having...I don't need a shepherd, I need a Muse...The only thing I can call my own is who I am; insecurity is pointless.

TheMadSwede
Premium
join:2001-01-30
Holland, MI
·Charter Pipeline

Re: Made in USA

said by shuubz See Profile:
Most spam (90%+) originates in the US.

Unfortunately, our government is firmly in the corporate pocket, so the new anti-spam bill merely sets up guidelines that require opt-out info in spam messages.

It's sad. There was a British parliamentary delegation that came over before this bill passed, and tried to talk Congress into making it "opt-in", not "opt-out". They were told it would never fly.

Reality check -- do you really think that if the legislation was tough enough that it would actually stop the spam?

The spammers are already pulling all sorts of unethical (but legal) tactics to get around filtering. Why would they suddenly get a conscience?

Your opinions about the government selling out, though almost certainly true, are irrelevant to stopping spam.
--
Hey - there's this thing called spell check...
shuubz
A Good Kind Of Pain

join:2001-02-12
Dexter, MI

Missed the point

My point was that, in addition to the spam we always had, we will now have legitimate spam, potentially averaging almost a thousand messages per day.

This spam will be entirely legal, and will make email completely useless as a medium of communication. Just receiving it all, even before the filters go to work, will be a de-facto DDoS attack.

If you're going to argue, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD READ THE MESSAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY.
--
What is left for the meek is not worth having...I don't need a shepherd, I need a Muse...The only thing I can call my own is who I am; insecurity is pointless.

TheMadSwede
Premium
join:2001-01-30
Holland, MI
·Charter Pipeline

Re: Missed the point

said by shuubz See Profile:
My point was that, in addition to the spam we always had, we will now have legitimate spam, potentially averaging almost a thousand messages per day.

This spam will be entirely legal, and will make email completely useless as a medium of communication. Just receiving it all, even before the filters go to work, will be a de-facto DDoS attack.

If you're going to argue, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD READ THE MESSAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY.

It's really annoying when you SHOUT back at people and REVEAL that you have a BAD temper about STUPID THINGS.

I did read your message in its entirety (twice now) and I'm still missing your "point" - either because I'm an idiot (quite possible) or because you didn't make it very well (let me guess, you think you made it just fine...).

Your second message was a lot better. You should have just left out all the stuff about "the government being firmly in the coporate pocket" and just written your second post in the first place.
--
Hey - there's this thing called spell check...

Winerin
Premium
join:2002-03-30
Woodland Hills, CA

lol

Funny

Plasticman
Will Work For Bandwidth
Premium
join:2002-09-06
Harrisville, RI
clubs:
·Cox HSI

A Good Form of Torture for caught spammers

I say once we find out who a spammer is, we should first make them sit thru 72 hours of straight lectures by Bill Gates. Then make them take 100 times the normal dosage of what ever growth product they are trying to sell use. Then cut off their hands, feet, and any appendage they could use to type on a keyboard. Then sew their mouths shut so they can't use a mouse to manipulate a computer. Give em a NG tube shoved down their nose so they can get some sort of food. Then force them to give back all the money they made spamming to their victims

Plasticman
--
Life is Like Your ISP.... You Never Know If You will get any Help

David
No,there is another.
Premium,VIP
join:2002-05-30
Granite City, IL
clubs:
·DIRECTV
·magicjack.com
·AT&T Midwest

Do I detect...

a slight hint of sarcasm here??

naaa never would have thought that and the girl in the ballcap is just a innovation of the newest piece of antispam or antispyware.. She winks at you so you know the real truth on what is happening to your machine..
--
Fast and furious!! 225lbs lost and a future that I never dreamed of... Whodathunkit??
LoungeLizard2

join:2003-11-21
Vallejo, CA

adding to the flow

They should email the deck to everyone on the "Do not spam list"

Sarick
It's Only Logical
Premium
join:2003-06-03
USA
·FrontierNet Intern..

Next Idea,OPT out of everything.

With the way the laws are I think it's going to enforce the DO NOT SPAM list.

At least, someone is going to design a Server that people can send OPT out links to.

When someone signs up all these links AUTO OPT-OUT.

I still think their OPT in approach is 100% better.

WE know that the government has the most intelligent people working for us. It's not like some of them can't spell potato.
--
Sarick's Dungeon Clipart Page
Trouble spelling? www.iespell.com

linicx
Caveat Emptor
Premium
join:2002-12-03
United State

Our Moderators

Oh, Fatness, you are a sly wit! I almost believed you.
8744675

join:2000-10-10
Decatur, GA

Opt-out your government representative!

It's time to find out which senators and congressmen are protecting the interest of spammers and are responsible for blocking the opt-in provisions of the law, and opt them out at the polls. We DO have the power to show them the true meaning of OPT-OUT!

By committing their lousy law to paper, the US government has only made things worse by now giving spammers the legal grounds to operate and avoid prosecution. By default, anything that is not specifically addressed in the law becomes a legal gray-area that a spammer, if caught, can hold up in court and prove they didn't violate any provision in the law.

Think about this. How can they define the meaning of Opt-Out? When you opt-out of a piece of spam, does the opt-out cover all future mail from:

1.) the e-mail address?
2.) the server?
3.) the IP address?
4.) the marketing company?
5.) the product?
6.) the product or service provider?

It's impossible to define because changing 1 variable will and essentially make every spam from any of the sources above, a unique 'new offer' that has to be opted-out of again. Spammers already do this to avoid spam filters, so they don't even have to change their methods to circumvent the opt-out provisions. You can't hit a moving target.

The truth is that most spam has been illegal all along, because it uses stolen bandwidth, stolen e-mail accounts, breaking and entering someones server, and several other illegal activities, yet there have been only a few arrests or convictions because it's nearly impossible to catch them and it's too costly for most ISP's to pursue except for the few worst offenders.

Creating more legislation based on currently unenforceable model is only 'putting teeth in the mouth of a dog who won't hunt', as we say in Georgia!

Kompressor
Premium
join:2002-02-12
Huntington Beach, CA

What a bunch of lame ideas.

Is this article supposed to be a joke or something?

Mike
Premium,Mod
join:2000-09-17
Pittsburgh, PA
clubs:

Re: What a bunch of lame ideas.

nope
dave
Premium,MVM
join:2000-05-04
not in ohio
Deadly serious.

The Folsom
Kindly Shut Your Noise Hole.
Premium
join:2003-01-31
Yucaipa, CA
·Verizon FIOS

Wrong week to quit smoking

I had to check and see if this was a joke or did I miss something because in my nicotine-withdrawl induced irritability I cannot think straight and did not want to post ill-advisedly. Then I looked at the link under the article that said "Fun"...

I did not get it, and had to read it four or five times. It would have been funnier if I weren't nicking out right now.

God, I need a smoke...
--
I once accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and he disappeared. Take a look at these sites: »www.prepaidlegal.com/info/kfolsom (Pre-Paid Legal Memberships)»www.prepaidlegal.com/go/kfolsom (Business Opportunity)»www.folsomtech.com
8744675

join:2000-10-10
Decatur, GA

Yahoo escalates the war on spam!

In a bold announcement today, Yahoo has revealed that due to it's original success, it has secretly expanded it's Spam Sponge effort over the last year by adding all of it's free members e-mail addresses to the Spam Sponge list, by resetting all their marketing preferences to ON, thereby making them "Spam Sponge Martyrs".

"Spam is a global problem and not unique to Yahoo, and it is our position that Yahoo should take on this cause on the behalf of all internet e-mail users world wide. No war is fought without it's casualties, and Yahoo had to make the life-or-death decision that our non-paying members should die for the cause of the greater good." said an unnamed Yahoo spokesman. He further added "Those blood sucking non-paying users represent the majority of our user base, consume the majority of our resources and generate 80% of the spam complaints we receive. Since they don't pay us a dime, it's time that they shut-up, lay down and play dead so we can step over them in our pursuit of the enemy".

In 2004, Yahoo will beta-test Spam Sponge Enhanced, that will capture the e-mail address of any non-Yahoo member sending mail to a Yahoo address and enlist them in their Spam Sponge as well. "If this is as successful as the current Spam Sponge effort, by fourth quarter 2004, over 90% of internet spam will be absorbed by Spam Sponge, thus leaving only 10% of the spam for ISP filters and government legislation to fight. We WILL win this fight" said our Yahoo source.

So next time you receive an e-mail from a Yahoo address, be sure to reply and thank them for being a hero in the war on spam. They'll appreciate the kind words, if they can actually find your message in their in-box. Just do it before 2004 or you may be drafted into the Spam Sponge Army without even knowing.

birdfeedr
Premium,MVM
join:2001-08-11
Warwick, RI
·Verizon FIOS

Re: Yahoo escalates the war on spam!

said by 8744675 See Profile:
So next time you receive an e-mail from a Yahoo address, be sure to reply and thank them for being a hero in the war on spam. They'll appreciate the kind words, if they can actually find your message in their in-box. Just do it before 2004 or you may be drafted into the Spam Sponge Army without even knowing.

I think they're doing beta testing now. I sent an ordinary message to a yahoo address. Suddenly I'm getting spam. I think I'm going to disconnect. Why should I put up with this nonsense? There's no future in civilized, rational use of the internet anymore. It's gone the way of the dogs.

mrchris
We don't miss you Bush
Premium
join:2002-10-01
North Babylon, NY
·Verizon FIOS
·Optimum Online


1 edit

Haha Kath Gipson..eat it

"Kathleen Gipson of Enhance Your Rod, Inc. called the move 'deceptive and harmful. We want our message about member enlargement to get to the people that want it.' "

Deceptive and harmful? Don't you think sending penis enlargement spam to people who don't want is deceptive? That's spam, we don't want your junk!

Who cares, there's nearly no way to make someone else's wang bigger. I don't care anyways, my tool is big enough and I would certainly would not want that crap in my inboxes.

Setting up phony boxes is what they deserve. Dirty spammers


--
Play ET!

CenTex2

join:2003-04-16
Marlin, TX

Okay, so where can I get a deck of these cards?

LOL....i wish....
lawrence171
Evilly Yours - Evilness

join:2001-12-24
Canada

...???arrrrr

If only there really was a HomeAssassian software....

AJ1979

@rr.com

Spam Sponge

That Spam Sponge article isn't real. BB Spot, the site that it came from, is a satire/joke web site.

mrchris
We don't miss you Bush
Premium
join:2002-10-01
North Babylon, NY

Re: Spam Sponge

Please provide proof

AJ1979

@rr.com

Re: Spam Sponge

Proof? Go to »www.bbspot.com, and you'll see that it's pretty obvious it's a joke. Also, if you read the above article again, I think that makes it obvious as well. It got me the first time I read it though. I guess it goes to show how much people pay attention when they read.
dave
Premium,MVM
join:2000-05-04
not in ohio
I'm not sure, but I assumed that 'please provide proof' was said as a joke, the joke being on people who think it's necessary to explain a joke being a joke to other people who can't see that a joke is a joke. I guess the joke's on me now.

fatness
subtle
Janitor
join:2000-11-17
fishing

Re: Spam Sponge

I saw Billy Mays on TV last night selling OxySponges. It must be real.
8744675

join:2000-10-10
Decatur, GA

Re: Spam Sponge

OxySponges are for those messy e-mail readers who actually open spam and and slobber it on their clothes, probably when read that they can "Double the size of their 'member' for only $19.95"!

Unfortunately, OxySponges won't work on your in-box, unless you throw your hard-drive in the washing machine to clean it.

[For the 'Fiction Challenged' who had to ask if this thread was joke, DON'T REALLY PUT YOUR HARD DRIVE IN THE WASHING MACHINE!]
NunyaBidness
God Bless All Of Us
Premium
join:2001-05-25
Memphis, TN

lighten up people

Click for full size
it is just a joke people
--
Nunya Bidness
Forums » Assault on Spampage: 1 · 2


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