One Wisconsin man is suing Charter Communications because his wife is overweight, his kids are lazy and he claims he's addicted to the company's service. The man says he'll settle out of court for five thousand dollars, three computers, and a lifetime of broadband access. According to the Fond Du Loc, Wisconsin Reporter, the man's wife has gained fifty pounds and his children are "lazy surfers" because of Charter. The man apparently showed up in December to local Charter offices with his small claims complaint, telling employees that if they didn't get him a supervisor, they'd wind up "in the ocean with the sharks."

"I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years," says Timothy Dumouchel in his claim.